Your mouth is God's brothel.
i just drank a strangers drink off a toilet
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
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