I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
hung over. covered in somebodies makeup. and ready to drink.
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
Randomize
