WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
If I don't have carpet burn in the morning you aren't trying hard enough.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
