peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
is there any kind of "im boning my neighbor and he happens to be a manager at walmart" discount that our new relationship entitles me to??
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
I'm a terrible person when I drink. I went from fine to not making any sense and yelling about cheese in like 30 seconds.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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