A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I love how when they see that I'm upset their initial response is to offer me ecstasy
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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