I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
