I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.
What other scale is there?
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Not too bad but came home early cuz business was shut down due to an employee sexually harrassing the inspector
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
Randomize
