Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
You start to question your morals when you wake up at 430 and there's three people naked...that you don't no
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
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