I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
