i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
I feel the need to clarify that I did not show her my vagina.
I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
He grabbed my tits and sang "you are so beautiful" to them before faceplanting into my chest
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
