Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I was pretending that it wasn't happening. Until we had to roll down the windows as she was vomiting apologies into a Target bag.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
