This phone does not accept mass texts. Try again.
Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
