would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
It's totally ok to sleep with him. The only place I have feelings for him is in my vagina.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
Randomize
