I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I'm slacking. We've been hooking up for months and I have yet to bang him while he's wearing the clown mask.
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
