i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
