We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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