Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I ended up at home with a random bird sculpture and flowers
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
