i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I just put bronzer on my abs to snapchat nudes. If that's not going hard I don't know what is
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
