I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
Dude we need to hang out soon. I'm in the mood to get arrested again.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Sadly my Summer of Cocks is coming to an end
Randomize
