So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
