we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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