Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
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