I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
how much ball-pain constitutes an emergency?
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
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