dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
She got tired so now we're making anyone who has a stupid idea go into her bedroom so she can sleepslur "good idea" or "baaaad idea." We're calling her the queen of the misguided.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
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