Your face is a jimmy john
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
our cab driver is having phone sex.
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
