bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
