I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
