saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
I'm at his house right now making him pancakes to compensate for YOU not giving him a handjob last night. You're welcome.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I don't know, all I remember is waking up at 4 in the morning to him going down on me.
Randomize
