She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
