You drink too much
No, I drink just the right amount - too often.
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
How many Hail Marys does a girl need to say to get some quality nudes?
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
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