Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Randomize
