We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I wish there were birth control emojis
Bring scissors.....i think im gonna have to be cut out of this damn jockstrap
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Took off my bra at the laundry mat to throw it in I am officially white trash
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
