$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
we were exchanging secrets last night... she told me about how she put markers in her vaj in middle school. found a keeper.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
