I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
She has 2500 facebook friends. I probably should have used a condom.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
hey can you send me that pic of that dude?...if this isn't Rochelle's phone...can you please find and tell Rochelle to send me that picture of that dude?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
