cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Randomize
