I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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