you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
She just started crying. With my dick still inside her. Something about her grandpa.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
