Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Randomize
