don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
The last thing I remember about last night was guzzling white zinfandel out of the box and eating cheese. And I was thinking OH YOU FANCY HUHHH
I was wondering why are people staring at me til I realized I was bra-less with a lei around my neck
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
Randomize
