what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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