Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
Visibly drunk girl eating alone at a souplantation just spilled salad all over her body. It was me
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
