I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
Did you know even strippers have to have GED's these days??
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I may have just masturbated while on hold with the IRS. don't judge me
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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