i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
So I crawled off the trampoline to puke in the neighbors yard. Wonderful house guest right here
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
