i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
We just took the batteries out of the fire alarm to play the breathalyzer game. I love college.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
