Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
If I just skip sleeping, does hangover still happen? Gonna try it. Will report back. StTAND BY
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
