I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Randomize
