your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
He asked me what I wanted the cake to say and I then asked him if "I'm sorry for throwing up in your bed last night" was too long. He said it was...
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
