I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
when i was on the highway she passed out and knocked my transmission into nuetral with her forehead...that was an experience
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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