He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
until he told me my vag was like a juicy apple and he loved eating it, yes, i really did think we were both sober.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
You're a waste of cheezeits
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
How did the date go? No fake eyeballs this time?
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
