Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
Randomize
